So, I can't tell you how many "half blogs" or little bits of thought that I've meant to post on this thing but never did. I've realized when things happen in my life I do not face them, I simply side step them to avoid the blow and well as a result they kind of add up on me. I don't say what I feel, I put it underneath, I try to let things "not bother me". However this approach to life isn't terrible in the least, its good to be like a duck and let the water roll off your back. For most things that turn out to be so simple and unimportant this plan works pretty well. It keeps one in perspective. But when something does penetrate your heart, that wounds you, you have to get it out and off of your chest in order to live. So... by saying all of that, the next couple posts I'll be posting have been this last years times when I held it in, a weight added to my inability to be the person  I want to be. I think by saying these words, even if no one will listen, I might being able to relate and reflect and come to an understanding of who I really am. A boy who can and can't do many things.

I've found out...

That the best places to cry in are not some loved ones arm, but rather by myself completely alone in the cold green grass under a tree. I have not been in such a state for quite some time, however I just realized this when I walked by the spot earlier. The leaves have begun there ever so slight drizzle and so do my thoughts fall silently to rest on the ground. There is no time for sadness I conclude. After all I have dwelt in its miserable realm long enough in my life already. No it is not sadness that has fallen upon my shoulders. I have no time to feel anything, yes I do believe that's what it is. The days have passed so quickly by turning months into past, that my hands have turned numb by the colder weather. And to my sad surprise so has my heart.

I feel like an Iceberg wandering alone lost in an ocean slowly melting away. Snow men have hats and scarves to melt under that keep them company, I on the other hand am simply melting in the sun and will disappear into the dark blue. I feel separated from everything and everyone. Although I'm far away, the whispering grows ever louder. inaudible words that take cruel and unpractical shapes, dance around me mocking me from every side. I feel for your hand, but it is numb as well. The life has drained from your cheeks, and we are left two statues in a churchyard looking towards dawn. I'm frozen, left alone to my thoughts, oh but let the dawn hurry for my sanity is at stake. Everyone walks about me pretending that they don't notice my state, and fake a smile as if I could return one. Oh let these sympathetic eyes that mock my state of desperation be put out! Let these condescending spirits that prance about me be crushed! And I in my silent reverie will rise and fall, rise and fall, an iceberg all alone. Drowning, melting, draining, until I am but a speck, and some cloudy dark beam of refracted light that reveals no rainbow of promise is all that’s left to echo through my mind.

November