Piano_dudio's Xanga

New Blog! :D Norwegian advenures hehe.

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:28:19 GMT

Hello everyone! Soo As it seems that xanga and myspace have both died... I have made a new blog on blogspot of my adventures here in Norway! :D If any of you are bored and would like to hear of something adventurous and excitingish do visit and leave a comment :) I'd love to hear from you all, if anybody does read this! So find me on facebook or visit me blog and I would love it! http://norandbeyond.blogspot.com

Go Under the Mercy!
-Sam

I choose the most inoppertune time

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:29:50 GMT

To read books. I'm supposing you have no idea what I'm talking about do you?

Well you see, this is how it happens. Today I got two books back that I had lent to a friend. One of the books basically had a detailed list of events and places I visited on my last trip to Colorado, and to say the least I really wanted it back before I leave for Norway here in 4 days. The book is Donald Millers "Through painted Deserts" which is simply an incredible book! I wrote sooo much in this book; it basically contains my traveling thought process. I left it for my mom to read because it really is a book about leaving home and moving on, and of course the way Donald Miller thinks and the way my mom thinks are very much alike.

Where was I?

Ooh yes!

As I was saying, when I picked my books up I decided that I really really wanted to read what I had underlined in my book. Soo... Here I am driving down a two lane highway with speeds varying from 70-80 mph around corners over hills and the roundabout. And as I'm speeding around enjoying my drive, I have the insane idea to pick up my book and flip through a few pages. By the time I recognize what I'm doing I've already read two paragraphs and I haven't even gazed at the road... :p Not exactly the smartest idea! It’s like... I have auto pilot built in I suppose?

Anyways.... I don't always read when I drive, in fact this was the first time. But! I always read at the worst times. I don't have any more examples but its true...

Anyways.

Also! Yesterday my friend told me today was a sad day. I knew what he was referring too but I completely disagreed with him and told him no, it is in fact a wonderful day. He ofcourse reminded me that it was 9/11 but lately I have had this intense urge to move on. My past does not mean as much to me anymore as my future does. I mean sure it is there, its beautiful, and intense, and sad, and insane. But... I have a new feeling in my shoes. I don't want to remember as much as I want to explore new experiences. Today isn't a sad today. In fact today was a beautiful day! My past will always be a part of me, but I'm ready to find the future. The last few years I've always lived in the past, even now I'm still stuck there. But I sense a feeling of release and of acknowledgement is here. A simple state of knowing every single mistake that I've made, and every single problem I have, and accepting them as who I've been and being okay with that. I'm just human. I don't believe I’m copping out, but I don't believe I'm beating myself up either. I've made my mistakes; I've been who I've been. Yet the future is right there waiting to become present and I'm so ready to move on from everything I've known. Stepping into a state of unknown where faith is not an option but a necessity.

Norway is almost here... I'm thinking new blog to innitiate this new future? I think this very well may be the end of this xanga. At least... for a long time.

Strange.

I'm just wondering whether I should get a blogger or a new xanga. Mhmmm. We will see!

Pictures, Reality, Sleep, and the Edge of the Future

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 22:04:32 GMT

The clock is changing a minute at a time. I daze and am weak in the mind. I close my eyes and let the shivers from the cold air outside my window travel the highway that is my spine. The words do not come, just little thoughts of mental conversation and floating melody. Utopian melodies that sweep your feet out from beneath you and send you too far off places. Far off places that lie closer than you think. Perhaps even behind mantelpiece photographs, or engraved in an aspen tree. You’ll never guess how much is in a picture until you look at the back of it.

I believe our perspectives are out of place. We do not conceive the same images in our minds that reality silently sings. I believe we are given eyes when we enter this world, much like the way we are given 3D glasses in the movies to see how “real” this show is. Oh geez, I’m still shivering. I shiver… A lot. I feel like running.

Bed.

All my words are asleep, I suppose that’s a hint?

You cannot make yourself over in a night. Love falls quickly, like rain drops from a tired cloud. The world has seen enough of heartache, don’t waste your time. Yet it is there, cold as , yet so startlingly beautiful.

-Sam

Written... Sometime.... late at night... when I was reading A Separate Peace :)

Everday :}

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 19:31:12 GMT

There's a light spring in my step, and a song on my lips. Cruising a windy road and a leg out the window. Smell of rain a mile off, and the electricity between us. My soul longs for the west! Got some new road trip tunes and I'm dying to try them out.

I'm in love... You know, if they tried to write a book out of our adventures, there would be too many chapters to count.

Here's to all of the people that take "shortcuts" down county roads because they think they know where they're going! Oh goodness I love winding roads... :) And Rain! And you know... Summer really does have a great feel even if it is incredibly hott... and humid.... and miserable... There's something I love about it! Random excursions through the country side, road trips to the mountains, and the excitement of the future are just a few things that will be part of my summer!

I'm excited :}

Ps. I feel like a red tomatoe... Monkey...

Nah I'm not burned that bad :p. And no I've realized with the help of a friend, that when I'm tan I don't look like a Hispanic or Mexican, instead I look like a guy from Oregon who lives in the woods and grows beards for his living.

Its true. :}
-Sam

I think I forgot

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:28:30 GMT

I Think I forgot. My watch broke. It shattered last night during the storm. The rain and lightning ripped at my ceilings and walls weeping and begging to be let in. We're not the only ones who get lonely. Those who know not, and cease to live wither quickly in the wind. Yet worse is those who know... and never live a day in light of that simple fact. Complacency kills and makes me . Discovery, the will and confidence to push forward, I find these much wished for, in myself and those I love. I have realized that I can not live, I can not survive in an environment where there is no appreciation and effort to learn and know.

The words I never said

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 06:38:45 GMT

So, I can't tell you how many "half blogs" or little bits of thought that I've meant to post on this thing but never did. I've realized when things happen in my life I do not face them, I simply side step them to avoid the blow and well as a result they kind of add up on me. I don't say what I feel, I put it underneath, I try to let things "not bother me". However this approach to life isn't terrible in the least, its good to be like a duck and let the water roll off your back. For most things that turn out to be so simple and unimportant this plan works pretty well. It keeps one in perspective. But when something does penetrate your heart, that wounds you, you have to get it out and off of your chest in order to live. So... by saying all of that, the next couple posts I'll be posting have been this last years times when I held it in, a weight added to my inability to be the person I want to be. I think by saying these words, even if no one will listen, I might being able to relate and reflect and come to an understanding of who I really am. A boy who can and can't do many things.

I've found out...

That the best places to cry in are not some loved ones arm, but rather by myself completely alone in the cold green grass under a tree. I have not been in such a state for quite some time, however I just realized this when I walked by the spot earlier. The leaves have begun there ever so slight drizzle and so do my thoughts fall silently to rest on the ground. There is no time for sadness I conclude. After all I have dwelt in its miserable realm long enough in my life already. No it is not sadness that has fallen upon my shoulders. I have no time to feel anything, yes I do believe that's what it is. The days have passed so quickly by turning months into past, that my hands have turned numb by the colder weather. And to my sad surprise so has my heart.

I feel like an Iceberg wandering alone lost in an ocean slowly melting away. Snow men have hats and scarves to melt under that keep them company, I on the other hand am simply melting in the sun and will disappear into the dark blue. I feel separated from everything and everyone. Although I'm far away, the whispering grows ever louder. inaudible words that take cruel and unpractical shapes, dance around me mocking me from every side. I feel for your hand, but it is numb as well. The life has drained from your cheeks, and we are left two statues in a churchyard looking towards dawn. I'm frozen, left alone to my thoughts, oh but let the dawn hurry for my sanity is at stake. Everyone walks about me pretending that they don't notice my state, and fake a smile as if I could return one. Oh let these sympathetic eyes that mock my state of desperation be put out! Let these condescending spirits that prance about me be crushed! And I in my silent reverie will rise and fall, rise and fall, an iceberg all alone. Drowning, melting, draining, until I am but a speck, and some cloudy dark beam of refracted light that reveals no rainbow of promise is all that’s left to echo through my mind.

November

Glory

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:17:25 GMT

Glorious

A love that preserves...

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 05:59:43 GMT

I had a beautiful dream of the future this last year. It existed in that place between newspaper reels and laughter, between fear and bliss, between looking and seeing. It thrived in faith, grew in my heart, and echoed in the atmosphere. It was filled with the vibrancy and electricity of life; the throbbing pounding essence of weak hearts and of movement. It held ethereal visions of the unseen, the unknown; the invisible connection. It was the definition of home, of identity and security. Built upon sandcastles I know, but even sand carves mighty canyons. And perhaps thats the beauty of it? The fact that it won't last. The fact that it is virtually impossible and shouldn't exist; that such a rare little spark of hope shouldn't survive in such a dark world.

Sounds perfect right? ha... couldn't be farther from the truth. Sure this dream is beautiful, but it is also filled with gross sounds that augment the music that plays in my ears. There are villains running mad in my head, stealing my memories and lighting fire to fields of love. An army of tiny ants of time weaken my resolve and invade the crevices of my heart. The truth is, this wishful dream of mine presents me with a reality all too tangible for me to grasp. It threatens my cowardice to stand down and pressures my inner self to take a stand and put off this theatrical art piece I pretend to live in. To be completely honest it scares the hell out of me, and thank God for it. Oh thank God for it! This dream is the only thing that gives me value, that keeps me sane. The only thing that is worth living for.

It fades slowly as "I" try and laugh it off, pretending that I had looked and not seen anything at all. I Walk further into nothingness, to just numb my brain and pretend Its not real; to have the gullibility to believe in fairytales. And I find good company here... The multitudes and masses of faces that believe there is no such dream sway in the depths. But yet, its here, wrapping me in harmony as I cry out! There is no escape from this joy, from this reality that forces its light upon my soul. Oh it singes my eyes, and burns my skin, it is all too real for this world! Where will I go? Where can I run? Is there an escape from this truth?

And yet... when everyone else is running around in circles, looking, searching, screaming for what they can't find, I will by an act of impossible grace find it deep inside of me. I will find this dream, this love, this mercy deep oh so deep inside of me; a window to reality. A love that preserves the imaginary and the .

Such Beautiful things

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 07:34:52 GMT

Waking dreams are reality. The things that don't feel real, the things that are intangible, are the only things worth living for. Beautiful things; things that fall upon ones ear as strands of notes are delicately laced throughout the chilly February sky. Beautiful things; things that your heart when you see them and make you gasp for breath. Beautiful things; Things that you can't even describe, but are graced with their presence. Things, that you can't touch, yet wrap around your entire being that bathe you in warm light. Things that are simple: rain, clouds, smiles, daffodils, and your hands.

Life is like the weather without a forecast. We exist in our tiny little towns afraid to see over the horizon. The only rain we know of is the storm in the distance. We continue on in our little routines of habit and uncertainty wondering what the weather will be tomorrow, a month from yesterday, or a year from today. We are unprepared, like little children in line for the bus. Cyclones of emotion strike us without warning and lift us up into the sky. One single look, one single photograph, one single smell, one single note and our world is turned upside down. Then it rains. The kind of rain that envelopes the countryside hiding not only the sun and blue sky away, but the trees and hills as well. We walk silently with the rain, reflecting with moist hearts, or raging with the thunder, screaming at the wind.

Things like love, beautiful things. Things that our ears and send shivers down our spines. Beautiful things, like laughter and tsee hee's. Beautiful things, like old couples in the park. Things that don't die, but remain even when strength fails. Things that we are not aware of, that do not introduce themselves. Things that simply exist, without us, and will continue to exist if we were never born.

Oh take me now, just let me exist. I just want to walk, and take in the smells and sounds of rural British cities. I long, oh I love, oh the joy, my throat is beginning to sting. My eyes gloss in front of me and memories rise like friendly ghosts out of the past.

If you love something or someone, why are you quiet? What are you doing? Why are we so scared to be who we're meant to be, and show those we love our hearts. Why are we so silent? If you feel, share it with someone. If you hear, show it to someone. If you see, tell it to someone. If you love, give it to someone. Do not keep silent, do not be idle. Don't you see? Time is short. Do not be acceptable of the mediocre! If you do anything, do it whole heartedly or it will fail in time. But more than anything let these beautiful things exist in your heart and let them weave around you entrancing you into those moments that are outside of time. And share. Life would be simpler and much easier if we only shared. Shared our time, our love, and our dreams. Our dreams... Share your dreams.

What are your dreams? Not just future aspirations, but those intangible things. The things that life worth living.

Go Under The Mercy
-Sam

Free Will? How does God fit in?

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:10:16 GMT

k k

"In a way, in our contemporary world view, it's easy to think that science has come to take the place of God. But some philosophical problems remain as troubling as ever. Take the problem of free will. This problem has been around for a long time, since before Aristotle in 350 B.C. St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, these guys all worried about how we can be free if God already knows in advance everything you're gonna do. Nowadays we know that the world operates according to some fundamental physical laws, and these laws govern the behavior of every object in the world. Now, these laws, because they're so trustworthy, they enable incredible technological achievements. But look at yourself. We're just physical systems too, right? We're just complex arrangements of carbon molecules. We're mostly water, and our behavior isn't gonna be an exception to these basic physical laws. So it starts to look like whether its God setting things up in advance and knowing everything you're gonna do or whether it's these basic physical laws governing everything, there's not a lot of room left for freedom.

So now you might be tempted to just ignore the question, ignore the mystery of free will. Say "Oh, well, it's just an historical anecdote. It's sophomoric. It's a question with no answer. Just forget about it." But the question keeps staring you right in the face. You think about individuality for example, who you are. Who you are is mostly a matter of the free choices that you make. Or take responsibility. You can only be held responsible, you can only be found guilty, or you can only be admired or respected for things you did of your own free will. So the question keeps coming back, and we don't really have a solution to it. It starts to look like all our decisions are really just a charade.

Think about how it happens. There's some electrical activity in your brain. Your neurons fire. They send a signal down into your nervous system. It passes along down into your muscle fibers. They twitch. You might, say, reach out your arm. It looks like it's a free action on your part, but every one of those - every part of that process is actually governed by physical law, chemical laws, electrical laws, and so on.
So now it just looks like the big bang set up the initial conditions, and the whole rest of human history, and even before, is really just the playing out of subatomic particles according to these basic fundamental physical laws. We think we're special. We think we have some kind of special dignity, but that now comes under threat. I mean, that's really challenged by this picture.

So you might be saying, "Well, wait a minute. What about quantum mechanics? I know enough contemporary physical theory to know it's not really like that. It's really a probabilistic theory. There's room. It's loose. It's not deterministic." And that's going to enable us to understand free will. But if you look at the details, it's not really going to help because what happens is you have some very small quantum particles, and their behavior is apparently a bit random. They swerve. Their behavior is absurd in the sense that its unpredictable and we can't understand it based on anything that came before. It just does something out of the blue, according to a probabilistic framework. But is that going to help with freedom? I mean, should our freedom be just a matter of probabilities, just some random swerving in a chaotic system? That starts to seem like it's worse. I'd rather be a gear in a big deterministic physical machine than just some random swerving.

So we can't just ignore the problem. We have to find room in our contemporary world view for persons with all that that entails; not just bodies, but persons. And that means trying to solve the problem of freedom, finding room for choice and responsibility, and trying to understand individuality." Excerpt from the film "Waking Life"

I was curious to what you guys thought about this. How does God fit into the picture mentioned above? Do we have free will? Or are our actions determined by chemicals in our brain?

Go Under the Mercy
-Sam